I help moms transition through divorce with grace.
Are you thinking about the words that you're speaking to yourself? Are you thinking about the words that you are speaking to others?
If you take a couple of minutes today, tonight, or tomorrow and just pay attention to what you are saying to yourself you may be surprised. Pay attention to the thoughts that are constantly running through your mind. ‘I can't figure this out.’ ‘How am I going to have enough money to support the kids and myself?’ ‘I can't do this alone.’ ‘How could he?’ Why is this happening to me?’
‘I am not strong enough’. ‘What am I going to do?’ ‘I am so ashamed’ If these negative thoughts are constantly running through your mind, and you're not aware of them, they control who you are and how you are being each and every minute of each and every day.
Becoming aware of your thoughts is the first step to shifting your perspective and way of being.
Be kind and compassionate with whatever thoughts you have and become aware of the words that you speak out loud to create small changes in your life that will make a long term difference. Understanding that your words matter is very important. As I have become more aware of my thoughts, and present to the words that I choose to speak, I have noticed shifts in the relationships that I have with the people and things that I attract into my life.
Now think about what you say to other people…
‘He's such an asshole!’ ‘She’s such a bitch!’ ‘I can't take this anymore!’ ‘Why did this have to happen to me?’ I know that the divorce transition is brutal, it's emotional, it's hard. Every day can be challenging, some days it is hard to get out of bed, it's hard to focus on what needs to get done and we can forget to think about our thoughts and the words that we use.
Every time you say something mean about your child's other parent you are hurting your child. They are half mom and half dad and when you say something negative about dad it is like you're taking a hammer or your fist and you're punching them as hard as you can.
Children love their mom and dad equally and the relationship that they have with each parent is for them to figure out.
Divorce is more than just a change. Divorce is a transition that affects you psychologically and emotionally; it affects your intelligence, it affects your relationships, it affects your ability to make good choices.
If this makes any sense to you at all, you might want to consider not saying any mean things about the other parent ever again. Don’t silence your children with probing questions or third degree interrogation when they come home from dads house.
Choose to be open, loving and kind. They will communicate with you when they feel safe and ready to do so.
Don’t put your kids in the middle and make them feel like they have to choose between who they love more. This time is challenging for everyone and they need both of you in their lives.
Show them, that when a relationship doesn't work out the way you expect, things can be okay. As a matter of fact, things can be great, and it doesn't matter what he's doing, or what your mother-in-law is saying, or what the kids are saying, or what your friends are asking. What matters is what you say and how you decide to show up in the world.
You can change the conversation with your words and your words can change the relationships that you have with the people that you love the most.
No matter how difficult this time is, I know you've got this. You are perfect and wonderful just the way that you are.
And until next time here's to youfirst!