Welcome to episode twelve of Divorce Thrive. My name is Wendy Rovers, I am your coach and thinking partner; I inspire moms to transition through divorce with grace, knowledge and confidence.
Divorce has a very negative stigma in our society and this societal view makes transitioning through divorce one of the most difficult times in a person’s life.
Feelings of shame, guilt, and failure are only magnified as you begin this journey and begin to experience the stigma from others.
Our identities are very much wrapped in and wrapped-up in, what other people think about us & more importantly, what we think other people think of us.
So, if society is saying divorce is a bad thing, it's no wonder that you're going to feel even more shame, guilt, and failure.
When I was a little girl, I was raised to be a mom and a good wife; I learned how to clean, cook, take care of my brothers, and that was okay. I became a wife and I became a mom and I have the most amazing family. However, the internal battle began for me the day that I knew my marriage was no longer right for me.
I was lost.
I believed that family meant you get married once and you stay married forever. You have children, you have grandchildren, you make long lasting memories together as one big happy family.
Divorce was not an option. So now what now? What was I supposed to do? My family values, my beliefs about family, said that I was supposed to stay married to one person forever. But I knew that I didn't want to stay married just to stay married.
Marriage to me is more than just staying married forever. Marriage is happiness, joy, laughter, fun, working together when the going gets tough, respect, equality, kindness.
Our identities are wrapped up in what other people think of us and what we think other people think of us. So, it made sense that I was struggling. All my life I was told about the importance of family sticking together no matter what.
Divorce was not an option.
I began the journey of doing the inner work to figure out for myself my definition of happiness and success with respect to family. I had to build my own meaningful life by looking within and clearing away the distractions, clearing away the noise of my family, the noise of my friends, the noise of social media, and the noise of society.
When it comes to marriage and divorce, you must look within yourself to find what works best for you and your own family.
Our values are defined by what we have experienced. Looking back over my life I began to think about the values that I have absorbed from my family, my friends, my teachers, my schooling, and I realized that my family values were different than the family values that I had absorbed.
My family values did not mean staying married forever no matter what.
I also took a good look at what my values are overall. What is most important to me and what will guide me through each decision that I make and each experience that I have. What is non negotiable for me. Several time a year I reflect on my values, and depending what is going on in my life they may change.
Today my values are:
1. Living a healthy life; Mind, Body & Spirit
2. Embracing abundance and wealth
3. Creating fun, laughs and joy every day, in work and play
4. Continually grow and create my being
5. Living with integrity
There are so many values to consider and most of us never take the time to reflect, to go within, and figure out what they are and what is important to us.
So, I will put it out to you. Have you given yourself time to consider what your values are? Also, do your values align with the actions that you are taking in your life? Are you feeling happiness, love, and peace? You see, if you are living your life in a way that does not align with your values, it won't feel right.
If you don't give yourself the time to reflect and to think, and to know what your values are, then you are just doing things every day and not really knowing why. Our society doesn't promote thinking, reflecting, and taking time for yourself, it promotes busy, work harder, faster, go stronger, make more money, buy more stuff. I suggest that you give yourself some time to reflect on what is most important to you, time to figure out what your values are.
Once you give yourself that time to reflect and look within, you can determine what your values are. Then you can act every day in alignment with those values and you can have the happy, peaceful, joyful life that you deserve. This is not easy, it requires effort.
You are worth it and your family is worth it.
Thanks for being here today, I hope to inspire you and to let you know that you are not alone. Also to remind you that you are enough!
Cheers to you first!
Ps. If you are ready to transition through divorce with grace then click below and start the process of requesting your free discovery call with me!
Wendy
