Welcome to episode eight of Divorce Thrive. My name is Wendy Rovers, I am your coach and your thinking partner. I inspire moms to transition through divorce with grace.
Why is it that when we're transitioning through divorce, going through difficult times, we struggle?
With so many negative emotions; shame, fear, anger, loathing, guilt, sadness.
All of these negative emotions envelop our days which makes us say, do and act in ways that we never thought we would.
Looking back on my divorce and the transition that I went through, I can tell you that there are things that I did, things that I said that I am not proud of. I can remember talking to my therapist, and telling her that I couldn't go out and mow my own lawn… I was so embarrassed about what I was going through, I was filled with so much shame and sadness. I thought “what if I went out to mow my lawn and my lawn mower didn't start? And if I had to ask one of my neighbours to help me out?”
It was a gas lawn mower, so I had to pull it to start it, and if you know about a gas lawn mower - you know, that the, that pulling is not always easy. I was so terrified that if I pulled it and pulled it and pulled it and it didn't start, that I would have to go talk to a neighbour and ask them to help me out. The neighbour might say to me “Where is your husband? I haven't seen him around for a while.”
I was terrified that they would ask me, that I'd have to talk about the troubles we were going through, we were separated. I'd have to talk about how I was feeling. I just, I couldn't even go there. I could not go out and mow my lawn, the shame and the guilt and the embarrassment that I was feeling was actually keeping me locked in my house.
So I remember my therapist said to me, “Wendy, every single person on your street, every neighbour knows someone, loves someone and cares for someone who has been through a difficult time
and probably knows someone who has been through a divorce. I'm sure that they'd all be happy to help you.”
Well, I mowed my lawn. I had to ask for help from time to time, but she was right. People were happy to help because people love helping and just doing that and doing that one little thing helped me to realize that my embarrassment, my shame, my guilt, my, the negative feelings that I had, I just needed to be kinder to them.
I want to share something with you that has helped me over the years; It sounds strange, but feelings have feelings being part of you; they know when they are
unwanted. Fear cooperates by hiding and anger cooperates by pretending it doesn't exist.
That's more than half the problem… “How can you heal an unwanted feeling? when it's trying not to cooperate with you can’t. Until you make peace with negative feelings, they will persist the way to deal with negativity. Is acknowledge it, nothing more is needed.” - Deepak Chopra
Ending a love relationship, transitioning through divorce with a person that you married, that you once loved more than anyone in the world that you've shared. So many special moments with is a very difficult time in your life. You will have so many emotions and so many feelings. And they're okay. Each of them is okay. You may be tempted to fight, blame or lash out, but this will only further damage the relationship that you need with your spouse going forward.
You have children together, you have a relationship together and you need to be kind to these negative feelings that you have so that you can work towards being the powerful, mature adult that you know that you are.
When you're ready to lash out, say something inappropriate, respond negatively to an email or a text, take a moment to recognize your negative feelings and to self soothe.
First, give yourself that time, and then you act behave, respond in the mature, powerful adult way that you know, you are. Remember, it is the adult in you that holds the key to your empowered future.
Thanks for being here today, I hope to inspire you and to let you know that you are not alone. Also to remind you that you are enough!
Cheers to you first!
Ps. If you are ready to transition through divorce with grace then click below and start the process of requesting your free discovery call with me!