Welcome to Episode 4 - Divorce Thrive. My name is Wendy Rovers. Your coach and thinking partner, I help moms transition through divorce with grace.
Eighteen years ago, I found myself transitioning through divorce. I was so overwhelmed with guilt and sadness thinking about how I was now responsible for this change in my kids’ lives. I felt like I was going to ruin their lives.
Over the years, I did the best that I could to transition through my divorce with grace. Today I will share with you six things that you can do to help your kids transition through this divorce and grow up to be wonderful, loving, kind, caring, and amazing human beings.
Your children can grow up to be people who believe in marriage, who believe in love, who believe in family. I know this is possible.
One: Let your kids know that this is not their fault. You don’t know what they are thinking. They may be thinking that maybe if I didn't have a fight with my sister last week, mom and dad would be okay. Or maybe if I did my chores on time, mom and dad wouldn't be fighting, and this wouldn't be happening. Constantly reassure them that this is not their fault.
Two: Let them know that they are, and always will be, safe. Children don't understand what is going on. Their home life as they know it is changing. They may be talking to friends whose parents fight all the time and how awful travelling back and forth from one house to the other house is. They don’t want this for themselves. They don't know what's going on. Let them know they are safe.
Three: Let them know that mom and dad will always be your parents. They don't know what's happening. If dad moves out or if you move out, they're not sure if they are ever going to see you again. Help them to feel safe with what is going on.
Four: Mom and dad will always love you all the time. Never stop saying this no matter how old your child is.
Five: Let them know that this is about change and transition. It's not about blame. Yes, our family situation is changing, but it's no one’s fault. We will always be a family. You will always have mom and you will always have dad in your life.
Six: Let them know that things will be okay. Everything will work out and everything will be okay.
This constant reassurance, saying these things to your kids, over and over again, year after year after year, is a part of how you can transition through divorce with grace. Someday, your children may say; “Thanks mom, thanks dad. You guys did a great job! I love you both. You're both in my life. Our family's okay, our family's great.”
Divorce is not the problem. Conflict is the problem. You can use your words and your actions to love and reassure and create a safe and thriving environment for your family during this challenging time.
One of the most challenging things for me is always my emotions. The times when I feel so angry or disappointed or sad. Emotions get in the way of our ability to make rational decisions.
When your emotions get in the way. Ask yourself “Do I love my children more than I hate or dislike my ex?”
“Do I love my children more than I hate or dislike my ex?”
This simple question may help to bring things back into perspective. May help you to shift your emotions and therefore do or say the right thing. To do or say what is best for your children, your family, and for you.
I hope to inspire you to be the best person that you can be. You are not alone here. You are enough. You are an awesome human being.
Until next time, have a great day. Cheers to you first!