Something you may be wondering is, should I even consider divorce now or should I wait until the kids are a bit older?
This is tough. And this is only something that you can decide for yourself. Only you know what is best for your family and what is best for you.
I knew that marriage wasn't easy. You must do tough work through the bad times. And then there was supposed to be lots of good times. And that was all just part of it.
I have always had a great group of friends, although nobody in my circle of friends was divorced. It wasn't something that I ever thought that I'd have to consider. And it was certainly something that I never thought that I'd have to go through. It was by far the most difficult transition of my life.
So it is important that I share with you some of the things that I struggled with back then and many of the things that I thought about and took into consideration when determining if this was the right path for me.
I really took time to consider the pattern we were displaying for our boys. “Is the relationship between myself and their dad something that I wanted them to emulate, when they are adults?”
When deciding the direction of our marriage, I recognized how important it is to consider how it affects our children. All children witness the fighting, tension, and sadness in a home, and this can impact them deeply and all affect them differently. It affects their feeling of safety, their emotions, and how they grow and develop. Deciding whether to stay or go required a careful decision, because of the long-lasting effects on our children.
Was I willing to sacrifice and sacrifice to fake it? To pretend like our marriage was great for them. Staying may provide some stability, but it also means they continue to experience a harmful environment. Leaving introduces change and uncertainty, but it could lead to a healthier and happier environment for my children. The well-being of our children was always the top priority when making this decision.
These weren't the only things I was thinking about, but I was thinking that they were the right thing to do. So, I was considering "Should I get a divorce or not get a divorce?" And either way was okay. What could I do to improve my relationship with their dad? I was keenly aware, even in those moments of confusion, that a crucial aspect of their happiness and healthy development needs to involve a quality relationship with their dad.
I have already taken several steps to try and improve this relationship with their father, but what else do I need to do? How long should I try to improve the relationship before I would consider divorce. I wondered, are my needs being met? Are my children's needs being met in this relationship? And when I thought about my needs, I started to feel guilty. And I thought, why am I so selfish?
Why am I more important than our family sticking together? And this was very difficult and hard to grapple with and how could I even consider doing this to my boys? How could I take their little awesome life and turn it upside down? What was wrong with me?
I thought all the time about the repercussions if I get a divorce. How is this going to affect my children? I have always been deeply committed to giving them a loving and supportive environment, one in which they can thrive.
Are they ever going to believe in marriage? Are they ever going to believe in true love and happily ever after? Are they going to be able to go through difficult times and still want to stay married? Or are they going to take my example. From their point of view, they may think divorce is okay and common. I didn't want that for them.
How can I show them that sometimes relationships don't work out? But also teach them that new relationships can be formed, and they can work out just fine. How can I let them know that, despite all these changes, our family is still a family?
Mom loves them, Dad loves them, and we will always love them. And we have a new family relationship, a new dynamic, which is great. How can I teach them that sometimes we can make difficult choices in life, but for the right reasons, out of love, and that's okay.
I don't know whether divorce is right for you or not, but I do know that I can help you to work through all these questions, some of the same questions I had when I was considering divorce. I have valuable tools and skills to help you consider some new perspectives, shed some new light in your life, and open you up to some new possibilities.
I hope to inspire you. You are worthy. You are loved.
And until next time here's to youfirst!
Wendy
xo